As we all know, Thursday is my favorite day of the week. I love it. I’d love this particular Thursday a little more if I could kill off this cold completely, but I’ll settle for finishing my weekly paper a day early and the joyous news of not having to go to work tomorrow. This means I can spend my Friday sleeping in, finishing my accounting midterm and taking care of some bidness. Like getting my car inspected so I can legally drive it. That’d be a good idea.
And making a hair/waxing appointment. My eyebrows are starting to take on lives of their own.
Ok, now on to what I brought you here to talk about. Envy. The green-eyed monster. Jealously. If I had to categorize myself by one deadly sin, Envy would win hands down. I have always been envious of other people, my friends, my enemies, strangers, animals….I have a problem. I know it’s not a good thing (obviously Envy isn’t a virtue), but I can’t help it and I can’t seem to let it go. Case in point-I am currently very jealous of an individual who is carrying out a plan I considered earlier in the year. Joining a service organization that I (who is by no means a leader in community service) actually researched extensively and almost applied to. Why didn’t I? My schedule was not condusive to actually attend the training sessions. Now, of course, I’m graduating a semester early so that’s no longer an issue, but I’m already on the track to further grad school. So, why am I jealous? I’ll tell you why. And then I’ll cower in the corner because I know how big of a loser I am. I’m jealous because I feel like I had ownership over that plan of action. If anyone from my university is allowed to do that it should be me. I thought of it first. They stole my idea! Yep. It sounds like the plea of a whiny fifth grader to me too.
Sigh. It just adds to the feeling of ennui regarding my life in general that I’ve been experiencing lately. I keep wondering about my reasons for doing the things I do. What they’re really based on. I think of all the experiences that are open to me as a college grad and my appetite for the novel is huge. I’m so afraid of getting stuck, of not having anything interesting to show after 10 years. I dread high school reunions where my friends shows pictures of their adventures in Europe or their year spent in Kenya and I tell tales of my collected degrees and the great book I just finished…
Right now the only thing I know is that I really don’t know who or what I want to be, what I want to show for myself, what my calling is, where my passion lies, what color my damn parachute is, but I hope it finds me. Sooner rather than later.
I wonder if everything I do/ I do instead/ of something I want to do more/ the question fills my head/I know there’s no grand plan here/this is just the way it goes/but when everything else seems unclear/at least I know/ I do it for the joy it brings/cuz I’m a joyful girl. -Joyful Girl, Ani Difranco
5 Comments
February 1, 2008 at 12:21 am
I was in an Ani mood today too. We both quoted her!
February 1, 2008 at 4:18 pm
I’m refusing to go to any high school reunions. I hated high school and don’t want to see what those bitches are up to. haha
February 2, 2008 at 7:45 pm
I actually went to my ten year high school reunion. I expected to feel under-accomplished, but actually, other than the guy who went to Yale and taught inner city middle school, I found out that after ten years, most of the people hadn’t done much- maybe finish college, get married.
I also found out that nobody cared who they were friends with back then- we were all glad to see eachother. And the snotty cheerleader? Still pretty, but she borrowed my eyedrops and spent most of the night talking to my lesbian friend about real estate. Grown ups are so much more lovely than teenagers.
February 3, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Education and culture doesn’t sound like a bad thing to me at all! There’s a lot of people who spend time travelling and y’know what? It doesn’t change them a bit, doesn’t make them more open to others..they just become even more narrow minded, spouting stereotypes wherever they go and trying to top everyone with their so-called adventure stories “oh yeah when I was in South America” rah rah rha. They are boring! I never went to my high school reunion. I decided they wouldn’t believe what I was doing with my life and brand me a liar! Cos I was the big loser in high school that no one liked and had no friends…ahh well.
February 4, 2008 at 4:03 am
Great blog!!! Mata Hari was fascinating!!! How is the book??
http://www.fumblingtowardsmyself.com
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