So this “I’m unsatisfied with my current life situation” bug has bite me too.
All day I’ve felt, frustrated. With my life. With my lack of interesting and compelling and new prospects.
I’ve felt frustrated with the fact that this is not completely truthful.
I DO have interesting and compelling new prospects for my life.
I’m in the midst of planning a huge surprise for my parent’s 25th Wedding Anniversary, I sent out my second batch of poetry today, I’m applying for a faculty position at a leadership camp, I’ve (once again) made a vow to a healthier lifestyle, I’ve got some shit going on.
But still, nothing feels large enough, new enough, satisfying enough. There’s no instant gratification in any of those projects. There’s no huge life changes involved. I know that part of my frustration is due in part to watching my classmates (who I started school with) going through the pre-graduation freak out. I had my own mini-version last year, but soon I was enrolled in an MBA program and still living in the same area. Now I have the urge to leave. To go somewhere and put off further education.
The more I think about it, the more I’m seriously considering waiting to enter a Ph.D. program. I think I’d really enjoy participating in a service organization for a year or two. I’d like to do Teach for America or Americorps. I’d like to have that kind of experience where I not only gave back, but I was able to participate in something bigger than myself. And I can’t do that kind of thing when I’m “settled”. On the other hand, a Ph.D. in Women’s Studies isn’t that easy to pick up when I’m settled either, and if I continue with this trend I won’t be ready to “settle” until I’m 40.
I think that’s my biggest fear. I don’t want to be settled. I don’t want to miss the opportunities that are only really available to 20-somethings. I also hate the idea of quitting. I think sometimes about dropping everything and buying a one way ticket somewhere, but the guilt and the disappointment I’d feel in myself always keep me from doing such. I WANT to finish my MBA before I’m 23.
I want to get my Ph.D., I want to open my own business, I want to teach for America, I want to take 4 years and devote myself to competitive shooting and see how far I can get, I want to travel the world and spend a few months or years living abroad.
I also want to have a career, I want to get married. I want to have a dog and a house and a kid or two. I want to be able to work part time when my hypothetical children are young. I want to celebrate 10 years with the same company, I want to bake cookies and document moments in photographs. I want to grow editable food in a garden and religiously attend book club meetings and yoga classes. I want educational summer vacations across the country…
The problem with being a Twenty-Something is that this state of “anything is possible” is incredibly overwhelming.
And our time is fleeting.
3 Comments
March 20, 2008 at 10:12 pm
That’s a difficult place to be in and the same time, exciting since the options are so endless. No matter what direction you choose to go in, just remember you can change course whenever you feel like it. You’re in charge of your destiny! Time does go by fast so soak up what you can now. There is plenty of time to be settled and “adult” later.
March 21, 2008 at 2:09 am
I hear you. I get this, so, so much. It’s like, the world is our freakin oyester, but sometimes that itself can be way too overwhelming. Hang in there, and live in the moment as much as you can, my dear!
March 24, 2008 at 2:33 pm
What you need to do is plan a few things… there’s nothing wrong with taking a year off to go overseas and do whatever and then come back to get on with your study, by then you will be happy and ready to do so. And that’s not necessarily settling down or anything, it’s a good way of balancing your time so you’re not pining to go away and yet when you do go you shouldn’t feel guilty because you’ve imposed an expiry date on it. I get worried about this stuff as well. I somehow have to learn French well enough to go to university here VERY SOON or else I’ll be too old to form a career here other than teaching English, which I hate. Good luck!
Leave a Reply