Gotchya.
I am a “bad girl” sometimes, but really I’m just really bad at being a girl. I’ve been thinking about this lately considering I recently I bought an issue of Vogue for the first time. I’m 22-years old and I just now bought my first Vogue. Don’t I fail Girl 101 somehow?
I also suck at being a girl for the following reasons….
• Purses. I just can’t get behind spending more than 20$ on an empty bag. I’m ultra picky and ultra cheap. It needs to go with jeans and work clothes, needs to have enough room to fit an average notebook, a novel, and the rest of my crap, but not as big as to qualify as a grandma sack. It needs to have preferably one strap and fit well under my arm. It needs to be sturdy enough to last at least one year.
• PINK, as in the Vicky brand of clothing, not the color. I hate the Pink line with the fire of Hades, Voldermort, Tom Cruise, and everything else that’s evil. I can’t venture onto that side of the store without feeling my DNA crinkle up in revulsion.
• Nail care. I think I’m the only girl on the planet who dislikes getting a manicure. It fucking hurts and I don’t have the patience, time, or money to sit and talk to some “technician” about the weather while she attacks my cuticles with her tiny torture tools. Also, I know that within 10 minutes of leaving I’ll chip the polish and have to scream “Fuck” real loud inside my head (because I’m a lady and F-bombs are not for children or polite company).
• Posse. As in, “my girls,” as in “a clique,” as in “constant companions,” as in “the Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha to my Carrie.” I don’t have a “group.” I have many female friends but no 3 or 4 who all hang out together like a grown up Babysitters Club meeting. This saddens me, but I’m sure saves me boatloads of drama (for which I’m thankful).
• Chick Lit. Weiner. Anything with a pink cover or a witty title about marriage/children/dating/etc. I instantly blacklist anything with scripty pink lettering or silhouetted tiny dogs staring back at me. I just can’t do it. I can’t spend money on books about the dating scene when I can listen to my friends for free.
• Period Pain. Men cover your eyes, women brace yourselves. I don’t have any symptoms. I might have one cramp, but it’ll last for about an hour–less if I eat a yogurt. The rest of the time I may be a bit more emotional than normal, but for the most part I’m just inconvenienced by the whole “I have to remember to pack tampons” thing. Don’t hate me.
• Mamma-drama. A lot of women I know have had issues, at least at some point, with their mothers. They might love their mom 90% of the time and argue with her 10%, or maybe those numbers are reversed, but women typically have issues with their moms. Some women say “My mom’s my best friend, but she can drive me crazy at times.” I’m not one of those women. My mom is my best friend, and I don’t think we’ve ever shared so much as an unkind word. And she’s definitely never really made me crazy, though sometimes she says things that make me want to scream HOWDIDYOUTHINKTHATWOULDBEAGOODTHINGSTOSAY!! for example, “You’re going to end up with The Philosopher no matter who you’re dating right now!” But really, she’s amazing, she’s my biggest fan, and she’s who I want to be one day.
• Dating asshole men. I haven’t. All my ex’s have been great guys (at least 75% of the time…there’s a reason I’m not still with them obviously). I’m a man-eater, what can I say.
• Titanic. I hated it. This broke some cardinal girl rule during middle school. Also I didn’t find Leo attractive. I was ostracized from my YM/Seventeen-reading group shortly after admitting this, refusing to match my nail polish to my outfit probably aided in my middle school demise.
• Makeup. I wear it only on occasion. And I don’t really care about make up that much. Apparantly I don’t really need to wear it, which pisses other women off. Case in point: A woman with a bad rash stopped to talk to me on her way out of the ER. She was worried that she wouldn’t be able to wear her makeup for a week. She asked me something about how I’d feel about not wearing makeup for that long and I mistakenly told her that I wasn’t currently wearing any and that I typically go for the au natural look. People, if looks could kill I would have been diced by the daggers in that woman’s eyes! Don’t get me wrong I can spend some time (and money) in Sephora, but it’s not a necessity. Mmmmmm Sephora.
Seriously I know these things are just “doing gender,” don’t revoke my feminist card….it’s just fun to think about.
How do you defy gender roles?
(Coming soon to a screen near you…The I’m Such A Girl post.)
