It’s 12:45am and I’ve officially screwed up my sleep cycle. I’m wide awake, thanks in part to my late night workout schedule and last night’s phone sex session.
I feel like I’ve updated a lot lately but not really written much, or maybe it’s more accurate to flip those around. My posts lately have all had a theme, or a purpose, which is nice I suppose, but I miss writing for catharsis. I miss typing out my thoughts just because I want to and telling you about what’s up in the Land of Shaba. So, ta-da, here I am at 12:49 informing you that Calgon Turquoise Sea reminds me of middle school and that when ever I see the lit up Apple icon on the top of my Mac it makes me feel like a Big Important Writer…or Carrie Bradshaw.
I’ll tell you that I’m desperately craving pumpkin roll and apple cider, that I bought a sweater instead of shoes this afternoon, and that I’m scared to death I might not ace my finance and statistics courses. I need to express that I’m incredibly excited about the next few days and my packed social calendar, even though I have no idea how I’m going to find time to shower between now and Friday. I want to tell you I’m nervous about meeting The Parents of The Boy when we travel to Pittsburgh this weekend.
I want to tell you I’m finding it hard to balance. That every time I take a breath I think about the other 10 things I should be doing. I want you to know how much joy and guilt this whole blogging thing brings me. Joy because I love it and guilt because I have a writing sample in my inbox I should have looked at weeks ago and my own writing sample strewn about my bedroom floor. I want to inform you that I’m 97% sure I’ll be living in Virginia over the summer and I’m 100% sure I’m going to the 20something meet up.
I want…I want new sneakers and more gym shorts. I want 5 hours of sleep to feel like 8. I want banana bread and pumpkin cookies and broccoli cheese soup. I want to finish the book on my nightstand and the poem in my head. I want to not question the happiness of my parents, or ever hear them threaten divorce in attempts to correct my brother’s behavior. I want a cut, color and wax at my salon and a guaranteed parking spot on campus. I want my deadlines to be pushed backward instead of forward and a day where nothing is “rushed.” I want to be adequately compensated for the work I do at Small Town Hospital, a Game Genie for the hard stuff in life, and a personal assistant to run my errands.
I want my closet to organize and update itself to represent this season’s fashions. I want to stop envisioning my disaster plans for when my parents pass away. I want my mom to sleep more and find sometime to take care of herself instead of everyone else. I want my dad to drink a little less and stop reminding me that he’s the age his dad was when he died. I want to color in my Disney princess coloring book, watch an episode of Pete and Pete and pretend 3rd grade handwriting class is still my biggest worry.
I want to stop focusing on the negative and reflect on the positive. I want to go to yoga and meditate and drink some damn green tea. I want someone else to do all the crappy administrative work involved in applying to grad school. I want a Jack Vettriano on my wall and Louboutin on my feet. I want a separate closet for my shoes and satin sheets. I want work to be canceled due to beautiful weather or someone to pay me to blog and watch marathons of House. I want rainbows and faeries and good hair days for all*.
What do you want?
