Brandy Likes Tom Cruise, I Hate A Christmas Story. December 11, 2008

You know I don’t like A Christmas Carol, but I despise A Christmas Story. I know I probably just lost a few readers with that admission, but whatev. I stand by my opinion and my opinion is….it’s dumb.

After hearing people gush about it for years and consistently noticing the goofy ACS related gifts in catalogs, I decided to actually watch the film a few years ago. I settled down on my couch, awaiting the cinematic genius I had been hearing about. I had high hopes, and though it started out sort of slow, I figured I’d get to the good part eventually. I kept waiting for the good part. I waited. I waited some more. And the good part? It never came. It was MIA. I did not laugh once (this also happens when someone forces me to watch Will Farrell in any movie besides Stranger Than Fiction).

I thought it was pointless, immature, and a waste of my life. I hate the voiceover and the kid’s glasses. I hate the lamp and the Santa slide scene. I hate the tongue-stuck-to-a-pole and the damn “You’ll shoot your eye out” catchphrase. In short, there is no redeeming quality to this film. It sucks like a Dyson all the way around the Christmas tree.

Now, before you begin to hum “you’re a mean one, Ms. Grinch” there are some holiday movies that I enjoy. I love “It’s A Wonderful Life,” I think “Home Alone” and “The Santa Claus” are hilarious no matter how many times I see them, and “Love, Actually” is my new favorite. So that brings the total of Shaba-approved Christmas movies to…drum roll please….four.

Wow. I guess am I kinda Grinchy, considering there’s like five “new” Christmas movies released every year. Seriously, how many heart warming, sweater-featuring, carol-singing flicks are necessary? Dear Warner-Bros, next year let’s make a depressing holiday movie, just to shake things up. The kid won’t get the toy, the divorced parents won’t look past their differences for the sake of the child, Virginia will find out that there really isn’t a Santa Claus, the bank will go under, and Scrooge will hire the ghost busters and go back to counting his coins. The soundtrack will feature only three tunes “Dominick the Donkey” and the barking dog version of “Jingle Bells” and “I’m Getting Nuttin For Christmas.” We shall call it: Suicide Season.

I’m not doing much to prove my un-Grinchiness am I? Drat.

Ok, so if I list my favorite Christmas songs will you believe that I actually enjoy the holiday? I mean, not as much as Thanksgiving or St. Patrick’s Day, but still, it beats Valentines.

Without further ado (about nothing),

Shaba’s Top Ten Christmas Songs

10. Tie between Christmas Time Down South and Jingle Bell Rock (my family loves the John Denver Christmas cd)

9. It’s Beginning to Look A lot Like Christmas (This song makes me imagine walking through NYC in December s in a black and white movie/KAY commercial world. Swoon. Dear Pleasantville, can I live in Black and White world? Please?)

8. Mele Kali ke Maka (We also love Bing Crosby. He is Father Christmas in my mind)

7. Santa, Baby (I enjoy singing this, even though I can’t carry a tune in a bucket)

6. The First Noel (especially by Celine, even though her face annoys me. Does she or does she not look like Bambi’s mom?)

5. Silver Bells (Sigh. So pretty. Same feeling as number 9)

4. Christmas in Killarney (Hello, Shaba is an Irish girl.)

3. Carol of the Bells (Who doesn’t like this song?! Dun dun a dun dun dun a dun)

2. Let it Snow (I want to pop popcorn by a fireplace with The Boy, maybe here. Because I think the champagne glass tub is the coolest thing on the planet. Sad fact? I’m not being sarcastic. I really do want to go.)

1. Winter Wonderland (The line “to face unafraid, the plans that we made” just screams ROMANCE! LOVE! SQUEE! The clever use of this line would be the only way I’d be able to stand a cliché Christmas-time proposal. This is similar to how a New Year’s eve proposal requires the When Harry Met Sally speech for it to be passable. Men, take notes.)

Am I ungrinch-a-fied now?