Once, when I was a senior in high school, my father made a comment about me that has permanently etched itself in my memory. He said, “Shaba never thinks she enough, she wants to be thinner, taller, have whiter teeth. She’s never satisfied.”
It’s true.
And while that period of my life was concentrated purely on improving my appearance, I still have yet to shake my desire to constantly improve myself in a myriad of different ways. Currently I wish I was about 20 pounds lighter (some habits die hard). I wish I went to the gym more. I wish I was a better blogger, with the savvy to make buttons and my own design and to maybe get into AllTop. I wish I was crafty like some of you lovely ladies, lookin at you KylaBea, not to mention drop dead gorgeous. I wish I was more organized and less easily distracted. I wish I was living with The Boy already, May seems so far away. I wish I had more time for the things I want to do. I wish I used my digital camera more. I wish I did more professional writing, sent out more poetry, drank more tea. I wish I was still reading voraciously like I was a year ago. I wish I was a morning person. I wish I made time to practice yoga again.
A lot of my wants and desires boil down to me encapsulating my two alternate personalities. Seriously, this is WAY embarrassing to admit to the Internets, but I think the time has come. You see, since, I don’t know, seventh grade? I’ve had two character sketches in my head, two characters who I always thought I’d use in some sort of fiction piece one day. Unfortunately these characters seem to be content to just hang out in their Sims-like habitat in my brain, they have very plot-less lives. They also are the two extremes of what I thought I’d be like in my 20s.
One is an classy, high rise apartment dwelling, high income single. She has a fluffy white cat, a wardrobe I’d drool over, and a demanding job. She is Samantha Jones meets Mary Tyler Moore, with daily cycling and yoga classes and nightly men who wine and dine and wear expensive cologne.
The other is a hippy chick. She lives in a basement apartment, works for a non-profit, searches through thrift stores and farmers markets and loves to be outside. She spends her evenings at poetry slams or coffee shops, and bikes around town. Her weekends are spent crafting or volunteering. There maybe a guy involved, but that’s secondary on her radar.
These two women are always what I imagine when I start to think I’m not enough. And I love them. I just need to figure out where they stop and I begin, and how I can keep them separate.
I wish I did less thinking and more doing.
I think this year may see some resolutions come January 1.
I’m also very embarrassed right now.
