Dear Internets,
Suppose you have a friend. A friend you’ve known for a great many years. A friend who’s recently gotten engaged (Yay!). Then suppose you meet her fiancé and he seems to be a nice guy (double yay!) who would do anything for her (triple yay!), but there’s one major flaw.
You are 98% sure that he is gay.
And, just to make things interesting, you’ve found out that there is a good chance you’ll be asked to be in the wedding party.
Now, in the spirit of Mark Summers I ask, “What Would You Do?”
I’m sure she sees what you see she just doesn’t see it the same way. Or it doesn’t bother her.
I wouldn’t do anything. Rather, I’m suggesting YOU not do anything. I would say something like, “yeah he’s nice but why would you want to marry a gay guy?” But I have a unexplainable ability to lose friends and not be asked to be a bridesmaid.
I’ve been there. Usually the gay guys want to date me though.
I guess I just wonder if she does see it. And if she does, if it’s something she really wants to deal with forever. I’m just worried about her happiness in the long run.
Jokingly say, “He’s so perfect, are you sure he’s not gay?” Seriously though, we all had doubts about my friend’s fiance, but we held it in. She married and subsequently divorced him 6 months later, when he finally came out! True story.
GiGi, That’s exactly what I’m afraid of. Sigh.
wow that is a tough situation i hope I never have to encounter. Good luck!!
i think i would mention something to her in the “nicest” way possible…..she HAS to notice.
Well, you want to be careful–don’t want to end up with a pie in your face and your foot in your mouth.
I’m thinking Gigi hit the nail on the head with this one; lead into it like that, then go with the flow.
Best of luck.
You could watch it self destruct, write a book about it, and become a millionaire.
The same exact thing happened to me this year. I finally met my very good friend’s fiance, and I am almost completely positive that he’s gay. The evidence is overwhelming, and everyone in our circle of friends suspects it. I also was asked to be in the wedding party.
I’ve seriously been struggling with this for awhile- I’m pretty sure that it has something to do with the fact that her fiance works for a Baptist church… we all suspect that he is using my friend as a “cover” so that he can continue his job.
We’re all kind of at a loss as to what to do. She’s made jokes about it before, and just laughs it off, saying that he just happens to be sort of feminine. And I’m too scared to tell her what I really think, because there is always that 2% chance that I’ll be wrong..
Good luck figuring it out!
Ohhhh geez, what makes you think this about him?
hahahaa!! okay, i read your entry, and THEN read your blog subject, and then i laughed out loud. so loud, my sister (who was downstairs) asked me what was so funny.
okay, but as far as your situation goes…i have a couple of friends that i really believe are gay, but because of their religious upbringing, they are so far back in the closet, they may as well be in narnia. or, they are in denial.
if i were in your shoes, i would definitely say something to my friend, simply because i cared about her and didn’t want her to get involved in something that could possibly end on a rather sour note. (although, half of all marriages carry that possibility, i suppose, so…)
If she is a close/best friend to you … you have to talk to her before she gets married. Apologize and say that you have something really awkward to talk about then say your hunch. Do this sooner rather then later.
Divorce is 100 times worse then any happiness on the wedding day.
If only one of my friends would have made me thick twice about getting married, I would feel much better today.
HOly man….this is a tough one….I’d maybe bring it up- when you’re three sheets to the wind or something….?lol.
Can you snoop?
There are a lot of men that “seem” gay but actually aren’t. But my gaydar hasn’t been the same since I lived in CA.
Oooh… That’s a hard one.
And you’re sure he’s not just more feminine or open than the guys you’re used to?
If you’re friends with her enough that you’ll be in the wedding party – but have only just met her fiance I wouldn’t say anything, sounds like you could stir up a whole lot of trouble cause you’ve arrived a little late to the scene. That’s a Month Two of dating thing to bring up with a friend, not an engagement party subject.
I would be nice, and be there for her – and call it at that.
oh i’ve been there. i told my cousin she was marrying a gay man, she didn’t listen. 5 years into the marriage he left her and moved to san francisco no joke.
Well… okay.
The first thing you need to do is get backup information, so talk to your other friends who know them both, possibly over beer. “So, uh, the fiance — am I the only one who thinks he’s gayer than a picnic basket on a sunny April morn?” There’s always a possibility that no one else sees it, and maybe it’s just you. (Not to insult your perception, but I’m sure you’re hoping you’re wrong, so it’s best to check around. You never know.)
If you’re not wrong, you wind up in a sticky situation wherein you must determine whether your friendship *existing* is more important than doing your *duty* as a friend. I have been known to be unnecessarily blunt myself (hence the Reality Fish), but I’ve long been of the opinion that if I’m not honest, I’m not being a particularly good friend. Wanting to avoid awkwardness is not a good enough reason to lie, *especially* about something so important. That being said, your honesty in this situation could, and frankly very likely would, end your friendship. At least for the time being.
So. If it were me (and this has a lot to do with whether or not you think you can execute this), I would sit down with her privately, for a lunch, not as a “So, I need to talk to you” but as a “Hey, let’s go grab a burger, I’m starved.” Talk about the wedding (I’m sure it won’t be hard to bring her around to the topic). Then, yes, open with Gigi’s line. When she laughs it off, change your tone and say, “But, seriously… I mean, I kind of get a vibe.” From there you’ll have to run with it — either she’ll vigorously deny it (and get angry), laugh it off again, try to explain it away, or (if you’re very lucky) say, “Yeah, you know… I’ve kind of wondered, but no one else seemed to react…” If the conversation continues, ease around to sex. Namely, follow up with a joking “Hey, as long as you’re getting laid enough, it’s all good. Otherwise you’ll get tischy, girl.” Again, if you’re very lucky, she’ll follow up with a “Oh, yeah, totally, every six weeks, like clockwork!” At which point you can let your jaw drop and follow through from there.
Understand that this is a simple evaluative issue. In all probability, saying something won’t work, at least not right away — what you’re hoping for here is to start that little voice in the back of her head that, whenever he insists on not missing Project Runway, says “You know, I wonder if…” She’ll ignore it for awhile, but once that voice starts up, she’ll have to expend more and more energy to stop it, until one day down the road she sits up in bed at 2 AM and says, “Oh my God, he’s gayer than a picnic basket on a sunny April morn.” So what you need to determine is which is more important: keeping your friendship with this thing unsaid and eating at you, or losing your friendship but having the cold comfort of honesty. And, honestly, there’s no right answer there. Only you know what you need to do. But that’s your question, and that’s the only question.
For the record, The Wookiee’s dad is gay, and EVERYONE knew it — except The Wookiee’s mom. It ended several years later in a huge mess that left everyone emotionally beaten, but something very good came out of it — The Wookiee and his brother. So in spite of it all, there was net benefit. Just food for thought.
Oh, and don’t entirely discount the possibility that she knows but likes it. Not probable, but you never really know what goes on in another person’s bedroom.
Have a Will & Grace athon and hope she notices the similarities?
hhhmmm… or just be a good friend when she needs it.
Get him rip roaringly drunk and ask him. In a joking way of course. And then email me and tell me what he says.