The Crab May 12, 2009

I’m a Cancer. You know, sign wise. And for the most part my astrological self fits my real self. I have some highs and some lows.

The highs?

Yup. Especially intuitive and imaginative and self-reliant. Home loving? Yes. Definitely. Most nights I’m happy to hang out at home.  Self-reliant is also true, though it sometimes gets me into trouble. I’ll micromanage or take on tasks too big for one person and not want to relinquish control. Sometimes I even snap at The Boy when he tries to help me with something I’m struggling with because I CAN DO IT MYSELF!!!! Yes.  I am a toddler. I know.  Nicer than EVERYONE else is a stretch. There are many people nicer than me. I’m not mean, but sometimes I come off as aloof (really, I’m just shy). I’m not outgoing and bubbly. I’m not enthusiastic about a lot of things (this drives my parents/The Boy crazy).  I internalize a lot of things, so while I may be bursting with excitement on the inside no one else would ever know. This does allow me to be more perceptive than most, though.

The Bad?

I beg to differ with the clingy/needy/manipulative. Actually I think being a little more manipulative would help me in some ways…I kid. Or do I? However the Suspicious? Over imaginative? Procrastinating? Self-absorbed? Yes. I’d have to agree. My imagination is a curse sometimes, like when I’m sitting here giving weight to inane comments* and implied meanings. Mark that one under suspicious, while we’re at it. And over sensitive? Let’s just say one slightly hurtful word can make me start to doubt the things I know to be true.

What’s not listed here is my biggest personal flaw. I desperately want everyone I care about to love what I love. To want what I want. I want to make other people happy to the point that I will sometimes be inclined to look past my desires. This happens so often that I tend to keep things to myself to prevent the possibility of others knocking my ideas.

For instance, I have this whole big wedding related email in my drafts section of gmail. It’s full of links and ideas and basically outlines my perfect wedding. I intended to send it to my mother and my bridesmaids and anyone else who could possibly be interested. But the only person who has seen it is The Boy. Because I’m afraid they won’t love what I love. And while I want and value their opinions, truthfully I want them to agree with mine. There’s a part of me that’s afraid of constructive criticism because I want to be able to come up with everything myself. (Remember that Self-Reliant thing?) Of course, another reason it hasn’t been sent out is because I just couldn’t deal with wedding related stuff in the midst of moving/unpacking/job searching, but since that stuff is calming down the pressure to start squaring away big wedding related issues is coming back. Then I get myself so flustered with opinions and possibilities that I don’t know what I want to do anymore. Sometimes just thinking about it makes me so exhausted that I want to grab The Boy and fly to Vegas.
But only for a minute.
Because the dreams of a dreamer die hard.

*just to clarify, these aren’t blog comments. Just regular real life comments.

Edit: And if anyone says”just chill out” I’ll will flip my lid. I’m chill. Totally chill. Just a little crazy sometimes. And I blog The Crazy out so I’m completely fine 99.9 percent of the time. I swear.